Blurried Lines.....because I am Crying!

So if you haven’t heard, or don’t read the gossip columns, or have been living in a cult community wearing all white and smoking cigarettes (Sorry I have been watching a lot of The Leftovers episodes, hey, when you splurge for HBO you better damn well be watching it!). You might have heard that Robin Thicke has been trying to desperately win back his wife, Paula Patton, because like an IDIOT he cheated on her. 

5 Second cheating tirade in 3…..2…..1……

SERIOUSLY ROBIN?!?! What were you thinking?? You have been with this woman since you were 14 years old. You have children together!! She is basically a perfect, mocha skinned, beautiful goddess! What the hell is wrong with you? 

End of Tirade

Ok, so since the separation, Robin has been basically pimping himself out to any media outlet that will have him trying to win back his wife. He even dedicated and named his new album after her.

Awww that is so sweet….No wait, wait….we hate him. 

This separation is a problem for me, since I was pretty much planning on becoming a sister wife to their family. Now I bet you are thinking “But Julie didn’t you just scold Robin for cheating, why would you want to be his second wife?” What I think you don’t understand is, that I don’t just want to be Robins wife, I also want to be Paula’s wife. I mean God Damn, the woman is smoking. And I’m not saying that I am a lesbian, but for her I might switch up the teams. She is classy, smart, and beautiful, what is there not to love.

 The only problem is, I only want to be with them if they are together. They have been the couple I have been crushing on since freshman year of college. If I can’t have them together then I don’t want either of them. It’s that simple.

So moral of the story is GET BACK TOGETHER!!! Otherwise I won’t be able to join the family, and after all isn’t their love life and marriage really about one thing….ME. 

Hotties of the Moment 

Damn it. There are no words. They're just freakin beautiful!

<3 JM

The Ugly Cry

We all know it.  We’ve all done it.

Blubbering, hot messes, with snot running down our faces. Tissues in hand, mouth open, and wailing like a cat in heat.

It’s nothing to be ashamed of. We, as mere mortals, from time to time, tend to get emotional. (Especially if you are watching The Notebook )

Speaking of emotional movies with a strong female lead…… I’m sorry…..oh we weren’t talking about that…..ok well anyways. HUNGER GAMES SEGUE!

Have you ever heard of a little movie called The Hunger Games?? What am I talking about, of course you have. If you haven’t, move to Canada, you are un-American. This amazing piece of cinematic gold stars a little known actress named Jennifer Lawrence. Our lovely leading lady plays the role of the fierce Katniss Everdeen from District 12.

And can I tell you, what and actress!

She is basically a national treasure.

If you haven’t seen the second part of the movie series don’t keep reading (there will be spoilers). And if you have then CONGRATS you’re basically everyone in the world.

Our two leads, Peeta Mellark and Katniss Everdeen, now victors of there very own Hunger Games, must become mentors for this years tributes.

This year, being a special 75^th annual Hunger Games/Quarter Quell, the rules have changed a little. Instead of picking new tributes from each district they are being picked from the previous pool of Hunger Game winners.

OH SNAP.

Now what does this mean for our recent victors??

They are pretty much up shit creek without a paddle. I mean, I wasn’t a math major or anything but if you have 3 victors and 2 need people are chosen it’s pretty clear that Peeta and Katniss will once again be back in the Arena.

Ok so now that our victors have re-entered this dumb ass death trap, how will they survive?

Allies you say.

Great.

Now whom should they trust?

1. An old mute lady
2.  A hot headed bitch with a mouth like a truck driver
3. Two Crazy genius techies
4. That really hot guy, who is just a little bit too charming to trust

How about all of the above!

OK.. now fast track ….

So picture this. Sexy Peeta gets all Rambo on some vines while trying lead his group through the jungle. He swings his machete right into this electrical mine field and BOOM, he goes sailing through the air, pretty much dead.

Suffice to say JLAW goes crazy. She runs to him and tries to see if he is alive and when there is no response she goes MENTAL!

NOW…..Here is where we come full circle.

THE UGLY CRY.

Oh man Jennifer. You are beautiful and talented but for lords sake your cry is UGLY.

Its looks like a fish trying to breath outside of water mixed with the sounds of a seal that just got shot by a poacher.

Now you may say this is mean, and you would be right. But come on if you’ve seen the movie you know I’m right.

She is a wailing hot mess.

And I’m not the only one who said this. She has said in numerous interviews that she is working on her beautiful cry. 

And we all know she is not the only one who is an ugly crier. If you have even seen True Blood you know that Anna Paquin is one Ugly Crier. Also Kim Kardashian is a notorious ugly crier. I don’t think you could go one day with out seeing an internet GIF of her crying.

All beautiful women. All ugly criers.

Now what to do about that?? Practice makes perfect ladies.

Tips: 1. Soft mouth (keeping a soft partially open mouth keeps us from having our moths hanging open like a gupie )

2. Always breathe through your nose and out through your mouth

3. The single tear is always beautiful (so try to control that ladies and gents)

4. Bonus Tip: Watch every Terrance Howard movie ever made! He basically is the master of the beautiful cry. Especially Hustle & Flow. (I know you wouldn’t think it’s and emotional movie but come on, its Hard Out There for a Pimp)

Now if you could just master the beauty cry Jennifer you would have the whole package. You would basically be a triple threat……I mean with out the dancing or the singing, cause your just an actress, but I mean……. I’m sure you can do all of those things if you wanted to……OH, do you think they will ever make a Broadway version of Hunger Games???

 Alright…rambling. But you get what I mean. Which Brings me too

Hottie of the Moment

Even with the Ugly Cry, all I want to do is be here best friend! Jennifer, if you are taking application let me know? And PS. I love this dress!

<3 JM

BBC Does It Better.

I’m sorry, it’s true.

British television programming is by far more superior then American television. I mean, we basically stole most of their programming anyways right?

The Office, Who’s Line Is It Anyways, Being Human…..ok maybe Being Human is not the highest quality show but we took our shot at it …...and the American version of The Office is pretty fantastic…….regardless the point is they do it better.

I know this is fact, because when I cue up my Netflix at night, I find that most of my suggested viewing interests are British Drama’s with a Strong Female Lead.

Why yes, thank you Netflix! I will indulge in a little P&P. Seriously, it’s like they’re in my head. It might have also helped that I took their survey prior to signing up on what programs appeal to me. But that is neither here nor there.

British Television is just so well crafted. They take the simplest of formulas: good story, good writers, and good actors. And make it into something that is just so entertaining that it runs for 50 years. Cough Cough* Doctor Who* Cough Cough.

Ok, so Dr. Who might be a crazy exception but the logic is still sound.

British television besides being extremely well written also stacks their casts with some top notch actors. It’s like England birthed these people specifically to take on these roles. And then once they are well known, BBC only uses those specific people. Just look at there candidate pool: Sir Stephen Fry, Dame Judi Dench, Julie Andrews, Michael Crane, Colin Firth, Helen Mirren, Ewan McGregor, and Colin Firth……wait I already said him…well he deserves two times the recognition. I mean come on, did you see Bridget Jones Diary? He played Mr. Darcy twice.

Now let’s get this straight. I’m not saying that American television is not also amazing. There are some pretty great shows going on right now. Scandal is phenomenal, Breaking Bad-wholly crap, and lets not forget my personal favorite The Mindy Project.

I’m sorry? What did you say about The Mindy Project?? Nope sorry. Can’t hear you over Mindy Kalings greatness.

But seriously folks when it comes to quality, period piece, uplifting women drama-America has nothing on England. I mean look at Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility, Mansfield Park, anything Austen basically. You take a plan girl from a poor family with unfortunate circumstances and though trial and tribulation she finds the love of her life by being exactly who she is. 

This always reminds me of one of my favorite scenes in Bridget Jones Diary. So, you know when Marc Darcy is talking to Bridget after she was basically verbally accosted about being single at an awful couple’s party? Well he comes down stairs and tells her that he actually likes her “very much”. And she is all yeah right apart from all the other crap you hate about me right??? No…he “likes her, very much, just as you are”.

JUST AS YOU ARE!

Could you just die?? It’s a freakin dream come true. A handsome, well dressed, employed man telling you he likes you exactly as you are.

I mean come onnnnnnnnn America. Get your shit together. We need more Marc Darcy characters out there and since I’m not getting any younger I would suggest starting now!

And preferably played by Taylor Lautner. Or one of the Hemsworth Brothers.  Not American but hey I’m not kicking them out of the bed for eating chips.

Hottie of the Moment

Chris and Liam Hemsworth 

HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?!?! 

Fun Fact: There is actually a third Helmsworth Brother. His name is Luke, and he is also an actor. He was on a very popular Australian TV series called Neighbors.

Yeah I’ve never heard of it either.

<3 JM

Krasinski Fever

John Krasinski.

Sigh.

That statement probably needs a little more explanation. But before we go there we should probably start at the beginning.

Usually, after watching a Romantic Comedy or RomCom, one usually gets a sense of instant euphoria. You come away from that movie feeling instantly happy and thinking that your romantic life is now full of possibilities.

Every person you make eye contact with on the street could be the next love of your life. You dream of the man or woman (equal opportunist here) running through the airport (ok maybe not the airport because seriously the security there is on point) lets say train station …running through the train station, declaring their love for you just before you get on a train to leave to what ever new city you are moving too.  The music swells, you run into his/her arms, and the build up to the magical kiss is just breathtaking.

I know I might sound like a sap, but come on who doesn’t love or want that ending.

So it came as a shock to me after watching Something Borrowed for like the 900^th time (ok maybe not 900^th, that was a little dramatic, lets round it to 4) that I didn’t feel that feeling. That spark. That movie loving magic.

I mean, I was happy for Ginnifer Goodwin and all. She did what every girl dreams of doing. She snatched her dream man away from her stupid original boyfriend snatching best friend. 

Side Note: GOOD GOD KATE HUDSON DON’T YOU EVER AGE?!?!?

It’s been like 20 years and you still look 27. What are you a wizard? Come on.

Sorry. Back to the point.

I didn’t feel that spark. That romantic notion that maybe one day I too could have an adulterous affair with my best friends fiancée………..ok I don’t want that exact scenario but you get my point.

Now, its not that I didn’t find Colin Egglesfield attractive, cause I did. I have watched him take his shirt off a million times on the dirty massage parlor show that Jennifer Love Hewitt is on, and can I just say DAMNNNNNNNN.

But that wasn’t it.

I finally realized, its because I wanted John Krasinski to be the one who got the girl.

In the back of my mind I always thought that John Krasinski should get his happy ending. (That sounded dirtier than I wanted it to)

I have always really liked John Krasinski.

He’s smart, funny, and extremely personable. Also he’s not bad on the eyes if you know what I mean. Eh. eh.. Oh ok you get it. Alright back to John.

He was superb on The Office, and in the beginning seasons I always found myself routing for him and Pam. The episode where is just walks in and kisses her as she was just talking to her mother on the phone about their relationship. Ugh. Heartwarming.

And when he started transitioning into film I couldn’t have been happier!!

I loved him in his small roles, like in Dream Girls, and The Holiday. But when he started landing some leading spots I was weary at how he would play the romantic lead. Would he go goofy or sweet or serious?

But his roles tended to lead towards non-romantic movies. Yes, he did have that one with Mandy Moore, but I like not to dwell on that.

I think what really sealed the deal for me was It’s Complicated.  Surviving the ins and outs of Meryl Streeps weird love triangle with Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin. Genius.

He wasn’t a lead, but his character was my favorite. The loving/dotting fiancée of Meryl Streep’s oldest daughter, who at the right comedic timing had so many funny quips about their weird family dynamics while also trying to hide the relationship from his fiancée because loved her so. God damn it John. You could make a girl cry.  

He totally stole the whole movie for me. As I was trying to concentrate on Alec, Meryl, and Steve, all I was thinking about was “When is John coming back!!”.

That was it. I was head over heels. I realized then and there it should be my personal mission to get this loveable, dorky, but sweet and sexy as hell man a leading romantic movie.

Ok maybe I have no real say in this matter, but I know there is a movie maker out there who knows his potential and will find the perfect movie for him to really show off his stuff (Damn it. That sounded dirty too).

And I know with out a doubt, that when it happens, it will be well worth the wait. 

Which Brings Us To:

Hottie of the Moment

Again. I repeat. Sigh.....

<3 JM

Excwoooooooose Me?!?

UM.

Justin Timberlake

WHAT THE HELL?!?

Before you guys get all angry at me, I have to give you a little background at why I am so angry Mister Timberlake.

FACT: I have loved Justin Timberlake since I was 11 years old.

FACT: My wall was plastered with 'N SYNC posters. I had all their CD's and I went to like 4 of there concerts.

FACT: He has been my number 1 on the list of people you could cheat on your significant other with, if it were to actually happen. My "dream list" if you will. Or if your a optimist like me it would be on my bucket list. ;)

Now when Justin went on a hiatus several years ago to pursue his "acting career", I understood that he wanted to expand himself "artistically". I gave him the benefit of the doubt when picking his horrendous movie choices because I loved him so. I do admit there were some tough times where our relationship was tested. I call that the Black Snake Moan period.

We've had a relationship for over a decade and I wasn't about to give up on him yet.

Now I, as a doting and extremely loyal fan, waited this period of trial out until he came back to his sense and regained his music career.

All in all the 20/20 Experience is an amazing album and Mirrors is one of my most favorite Justin Timberlake songs of all time. I couldn't wait for the announcement of his new tour!! When I found out that he was coming to Fenway with JAY-Z I had to get tickets. I AM FUCKING PUMPED!! This concert is going to be amazing and something to remember for the rest of my life.

Now to add even more icing to the cake, JT announced that he is making a part deux to his previous album.

JACKPOT!!!

More Justin Timberlake in 2013? YES PLEASE!! Now with this CD he has also released some solo tour dates for across the world and the United States. I immediately searched for the tour date in Massachusetts to see when the tickets would go on sale.

Searching....... searching...... Hmmmmmmm.

To my shock and chagrin there were NO tour dates scheduled for Massachusetts.
WHAT?!? This has to be some kind of mistake. Clearly and oversight by his manager. UGH.
No matter I will go to one of the other locations. Providence or Connecticut if need be.

WHAT?!? There are no dates for those locations either. Ok....Ok....don't panic. Breath breath. We can figure this out. What is the closet concert locatoin to Massachusetts?

Pennsylvania!!!!! Damn it. Way to far away. UGH SO UNFAIR :(

Well lets see what the other locations are. Texas, Ohio, 2 Dates in Tennessee (I get that one)....WAIT WAIT WAIT.

I'm sorry your performing in FARGO!  North Dakota?!? Excuse Me???? You booked a gig in North Dakota with what a population of what, 12?!? Do they even have a place for you to have a concert in or are you performing on someones farm??? Are they even paying you or did you barter for a heard of goats or cheese?

I mean seriously, who did you have to blow on the Justin Timberlake booking staff in order for them to take a gig in Fargo North Dakota???

At a place called FARGODOME!

Really? REALLY?!

Disappointment Justin Timberlake. Disappointment.

Now the light at the end of the tunnel is that on JT's website it says tour dates will be added. WOOSH. Thank goodness. I hope for the sake of Massachusetts JT fans alike that he makes a stop in Boston, because if he doesn't, there will be a revolt......or at least a strongly worded letter.

JT I will love you forever, but you must know that I can't simply just see you once in concert in one year. I must have you twice....double entendre intended.

Hottie of the Moment

Damn.

<3 JM

Babys are Adorable......When There Not Yours.

Right now I am babysitting for the most adorable, cutest, smartest baby I know.

No, I'm not talking about myself....but I can see where you might have gotten confused. No I am talking about my wonderful niece. She is now 1 and 1/2 and is so freakin adorable I can barely stand it. And you know what the best part about my niece is? That at the end of the day I give her back to her parents.

Now you may think that this idea is a little mean or cynical, but let me tell you, kids are EXHAUSTING!

Playing with them is a blast. Hanging out is fun. But after a full day, I don't know how parents do it? If you ever want to hear smart, intelligent adults become mindless blubbering idiots, put them in a room with a baby and all hell breaks loose. No more "Did you watch that special on CNN last night about Syria?" of "How was that bottle of cabernet?". Nope it is all GAH GAH BOO BOO WAH WAH. Whose the prettiest girl? YOU ARE!!! Peak a boo! ITS ME!

Anyone who knows me usually knows how much I hate children. They're pretty stupid. And they smell. And they generally are really annoying.

I was in a Target the other day and this little kid kept hitting his mom with a tube of wrapping paper . He ket screaming MOM, MOM, MOM and hitting her with the paper...... While she was on the phone.

WHAT?!?

If I was the mother I would sock him right back with that wrapping paper roll....And see this is why I can't have kids. If they were annoying me I would just tell them to shut up. Not very good parenting I know but what can I say, I'm 24 and immature.

But hey I'm not all bad. Now, after my long speech about how children are stupid let me tell you all the reasons I am soooo in love with my niece.

1. She is Amazing!
2. She is super smart (we had pizza today and every time we took out a slice she would say PIZZA PIZZA! She points to things and knows what they are. Its like freakin magic!)
3. She is adorable....no really! Most people say that and of course there is the bias that she is my niece which makes her a lot more special but she literally is the cutest baby of all time! Blonde hair, blue eyes--Just gorgeous.
4. She is fun to play with...she always has the funnest toys and will always share
5. She talks to you and says good bye when your leaving and hi when you get here.
6. She is a reader. She loves reading books at sleepy time
7. She just lights up a room when you are with her. It is like impossible to not smile when she giggle
8. OH YEAH her laugh is infectious!!
9 And finally.....she is just AMAZING--I thought it should be said twice.

I couldn't possibly love her anymore and I can't to watch her grow up!

And the best part of all,when I babysit I get to watch movies like Taken on my brothers giant screen tv. GOD COULD IT GET ANY BETTER.

Which brings me to:

Hottie of the Moment 

DANG. I don't know what it is but Liam Neeson is so freakin hot. It may be the accent, it may be an older man thing, or it may be all the neck chopping action in Taken, but Liam has definitely got it!!

A++

<3JM

Don't Cry for Me Gay-Gentina!

Gay men go with theatre like milk goes with cookies, like clowns with the circus, like Lady Gaga goes with meat outfits. The fit perfectly together and everyone expects it. But what happens when you expect to walk into a room full of gays and instead you have got a room full of straighties?

Well shit.

I have been in theatre my entire life and I have never, ever, ever, worked with a cast full of straight men. Granted my cast is small; approximately 6 people all together. But never the less 4 of those characters are male. Now let me tell you, I am the first to say I know a gay when I meet one, and when I met this cast I made my judgments. BAD GIRL! I know. Judgments are exactly what I shouldn’t be making, but I am only human, sue me.  Shocked and Chagrin was I to learn that the guy I assumed was going to be my new best gay friend was straight. Not only was he straight but he was also getting married. Oh sheesh. Boy was I wrong. Well now I feel like a shit head.

I’ve never been in this territory before.

I don’t know what to do with myself. I am living in a world full of straight, blue blooded, poorly dressed men. What am I suppose to talk to them about? Fishing? The Golf Network? Cars? Well hell no. I did not sign up for this. I signed up for big flaming moes with flash and pazaz and all that Jazz. Can I get an amen.

Seriously if I don’t see a pair of boating shoes carefully matched with a fitted jacket and argyle scarf soon I am gonna loose it.

I have no one to talk to about my love of Barbra Streisand. Whom am I suppose to say “hey girl” to when I walk in the room?  And who am I supposed to go gay clubbing with after a show?  This is terrible!

Ok I am exaggerating. My cast is awesome and even though I am with out my right hand gay, I know we can get through. I always think I am going to be less amazed every time I get a new cast, but I never am. The talent I am hit with constantly is astounding! I know for a fact some of these people will be on Broadway someday.  

 And PS my cast is pretty good looking! Which brings me to 

Hottie Of The Moment

What a hottie! Hubba Hubba. 

I have to tell you, when I was like 8 years old I had the hugest crush on little Doogie. When I found out he was gay I was devistated. But like all women who were dangerously in love with this unavailable man, I adjusted and looked at him like my new best friend instead. And let me tell you, I have never wanted to be best friends with someone more! Well except maybe Princess Kate. But I am sure me and Doogie could double team her. 

<3 JM